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The douche top ten

I always thought I could do great as a writer for Letterman, I can knock out a top ten list easily so I figured why not. From the home office in Montreal, Quebec here’s my first published crack at it.

The top ten reasons to hate douches:

10: Not manly to wear cosmetics so they have hair and t-shirts that sparkle to make up for it

9:  Love boobs but take greater pride in flexing theirs

8: The little head makes all the important decisions, the big head just wants the remote

7: Porn, one of the basic food groups for survival

6: Because they find that jokes such as  “Jesus loves you but it takes on a different meaning in a Mexican prison” are enlightening.

5: Their online dating messages are copy paste x 1000

4: Definition of chivalry: blame farts on the dog

3: Movies. Best thing ever for a first date!

2: When they think of the Bush family it has nothing to do with politics

1: Spray on tan, best invention since that Einstein guy

Spirituality for Douchebags and Dickheads

I recently had some shit hit the fan in my life, it was full fledged midlife crisis material. The stuff that makes you go around thinking ” people kill themselves for less” but I’ve got a resilience to myself that most people just don’t have. In order to get through my world of crap I first needed to reduce the amount of time that misery was present, halve the time for the anger that followed and then get back to living life the way that I wanted. It was a reinvention of my surroundings rather than my self. I can do this as I have the ability to look at my personal dilemmas from the outside, breathe through past learnings from spiritual guidance (this has nothing to do with that Jesus fellow) and have a deep rooted emotional intelligence to myself. I’ll make a dickhead statement right here and say that yes, I am brilliant but I say that with no ego intended it’s just that I love myself and the man I’ve become. 

While it was easy enough for myself to implement these changes I know that it’s tough for men to acknowledge the lies they tell themselves. We’re all aware of verbal abuse, domestic violence, violence towards animals and other issues that are hidden from all of us but someone is committing these atrocities. They could be our neighbours, they’re in our classrooms and we’ve shaken their hands. It’s all around us but nowhere to be seen and those committing the violence are less than likely to seek out assistance or would not even know how to find it in the first place. 

I’m a man but I associate with guys all the time. Men are able to confide in each other, acknowledge when we’re hurt and seek solace in others without feeling shame that they have emotional burdens. As a man it’s hard enough to find like minded souls, as a guy it’s almost impossible. Guys are the ones that you hang and have a beer with, you shoot some pool and you tailgate with them. The conversations run as deep as last week’s overtime thriller or the preview for the next Terminator film. They’re not unpleasant conversationalists but these subjects just don’t matter in the long term do they, especially if a life is at stake.

In this blog I’ll be ripping apart everything that makes us douchebags, dickheads and just plain old lunkheads. I’m going to insult everyone and everything in every way, shape or form possible and have fun doing it. I may eventually monetize it and make a buck or two, that’s what I get for working this through, but the ultimate goal is for me to break through to the right person and possibly make a difference in their life and even more importantly the life of their future victim. I sure as shit ain’t a psychotherapist, I myself would keep one gainfully employed, but let’s see if I can open an eye or two while having a good laugh along the way. I apologize in advance for everyone that I intend to insult. 

Further inspiration

I started to write based on a simple thought, the spiritual baggage we carry. Everyone refers to baggage as being what weighs us down in life and they’re right but then I thought why bother being contrived and just repeat the same old crap that everyone spews and gets lost in the shuffle. I’m not a self help guru as I can use one myself, I’m not this relationship specialist as I’m single now and literally just finished pissing off the ex one last time and I’m not a Casanova as I can’t focus on more than one woman at a time. I’m just a regular guy who lives for his football, can relate to discussions on beers that taste like pisswater and is good at cards but I refuse to gamble. I guess what differentiates me is I’m emotionally intelligent which means that I will still cry when Bambi’s mom bites it (even though I’ll never show it), I review the impact of how I come across to others and I think deeply about how to make sure that whatever I do is going to make sure that i don’t see how many bullets I can fit into the gun. I still curse the moron who can’t even use their turn signal, I will never watch Oprah or give a shit about her book of the week club and while I believe in astrology the daily horoscope can take a one way ride to fuckyouit’sbullshitville.

I just came up with an idea to keep myself amused while recuperating from my last failure and who knows, maybe it’ll keep me gainfully employed, I’ll plug it into Google (adwords for asstards) and hopefully make a difference in someone else’s life. I’m simply looking to have a meaningful conversation at least once a day that is not rooted in pigskin or with one of my dogs. A lot of men are suffering from a sense of isolation, whether we’re in a family relationship or single, and sometimes just knowing that you can shoot the shit with someone might work.  Like people say, there’s someone out there for everyone, perhaps this can also be applied to the brotherhood of fellow fucktards.

Spewing

Why is it that carrying spiritual baggage has to be associated with religion? All it does is construe an image of a long ago carpenter carrying around a lug sack full of hammers and nails. Unbeknownst to him that might come around later on to bite him in the ass, or more specifically just a wee pinch in the wrists and ankles. Do bible thumpers feel the need to associate any baggage in your past with knees bowed towards a higher power to ease the burden? Religion uses baggage as the come to us and be salvaged metaphor, it disables the rationale behind the do it yourself mantra which keeps you weaker and weaker minded in order to add to the masses for masses.

Baggage is a foe, it’s the 280 lb, 6’7” motherfucker who wants to rip your limbs off and beat you over the head with them. He’s a nasty ass motherfucker that has tear tattoos running at the corners of his eyes and his teeth are perfect with abnormally large incisors peeking out at the fringes.You’re the proverbial 109 lb mental nebbish. You eat prunes to clean out the colon, you call mom not to say hi how are you, but to seek out consolation, you flex your mental muscles like Bugs Bunny and you have no toothpicks in the house as you’re afraid to hurt yourself.

This savage/baggage throwing motherfucker is going to kill you and then have his second cup of coffee of the day and still feel sleepy. You’re left with no choice but to face the bastard down, become the gorilla and beat the crap out of the Samsonite. You may not be able to put a huge dent in it at the outset but the commercials only ran for 30 seconds. If you keep up at it you’re sure to knock out the combination lock or put a scuff mark on the side. You’ll rip out the airport ID tags with your name on it, you’ll distort the wheels so that the things rolls off canter and as people stare at something that looks like the department of homeland security ran it through code orange you’ll walk with your head held high.

 The thing is that’s all that matters. You’ll take the overgrown baggage pussy who still sleeps with his blankie and kick him in the crotch from the backside and do it enough times that he’ll bleed while peeing. That’s all it takes because your workout, your orgasm of spiritual violence will give you the confidence to know that the one moment worked for you. You’ll earn the merit badge for courage which is so much more redeeming than helping that old bitch across the road or getting a fucking hamster in order to earn the pet badge. A fucking hamster? Running in place on his fucking wheel? Bad imagery and bad place to be as you’re not getting anywhere but before you know it time has passed you by and the only thing you’ve noticed is the blur as the wheel spins.

That’s the way a DB or DH needs to understand this stuff, I’m not one of you but I know plenty of you and truth be told most of you are nice fellers. I mean I’ve always thought of George W Bush as a nice enough guy, I just thought he kind of sucked as the most powerful man on the planet. He also hung out with Dick Cheney, a full fledged DB/DH combo if there ever was one so it kind of placed W in a bind didn’t it? If you associate yourself with shit then prepare to have a nasty odour surround you.

How does that affect the outcome of your life? It doesn’t but it sure as shit is better than being a gerbil and taking a beating from life, in fact just being a rodent in general doesn’t work. You’re too low on the food chain, you get chased by pussies rather than being the chaser and everything you say comes out cheesy.  It’s no way to live life and you’re either living in a hole, cowering in fear or being used as a test subject for the latest carcinogen that’ll take the market by storm. You can take mouth sized bites if that works for you but make sure that it’s done with regularity as you’ll eventually see that your appetite has grown as it’s a pretty simple equation if you think about it.

For every nibble you take you’re increasing your appetite while also removing parts of the baggage that drags you down. If that continues to happen then you’ll find that the negative emotions will be further behind you and you’ll be able to dig in like it’s an all you can eat. That perspective isn’t all that recommended either as others can certainly use some guidance as a push in the right direction but if you’re just walking out of the buffet and decide to spew all you’ve digested….well that might just be the equivalent of a group vomitorium and last time I checked that wasn’t all that conducive to stimulating anyone’s appetite for growth. It’s okay to spew some wisdom, just please don’t do it on my shoes and please wipe away the remnants on the corner of your mouth cuz I’m disgusted.